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LifeSarcastic - Get Some

for the confused

e·nig·ma
   [uh-nig-muh]
noun, plural
  1. A puzzling or inexplicable occurrence or situation: His disappearance is an enigma that has given rise to much speculation.
  2. A person of puzzling or contradictory character: To me he has always been an enigma, one minute completely insensitive, the next moved to tears.
  3. A saying, question, picture, etc., containing a hidden meaning; riddle.
  4. ( initial capital letter ) A German-built enciphering machine developed for commercial use in the early 1920s and later adapted and appropriated by German and other Axis powers for military use through World War II.

checking in

I’m not entirely sure when Facebook came out with their “Checked into..” feature, but I’m entirely sure that they shouldn’t have. I cannot decide which is worse: giddily thinking that someone actually gives a shit where you’re at; or eagerly checking where someone else is. In my mind these two types of people are one in the same, and they deserve a special table reserved just for them. A table with broken chairs and mismatched silverware.

There is something eerie about posting to hundreds of people (average, I’m assuming) where you are at any given time. How many people on your friends list would you actually want to just “pop in” and say hi because they saw where you were at?

But that’s just bullshit. Mostly it’s just one of the many things that makes me instantly angry at a given person for being so utterly pathetic.

como the fuck

There comes a time in every proud white person’s life that they find themselves standing in the line at their local Panda Express (or a similar fine dining establishment) when a trio of Mexicans approach from behind. Nothing to be alarmed by, they’re everywhere after all. But then it starts – the incessant ramblings in their native tongue. As they stand behind you and converse with one another, maybe answer a couple phone calls in the process, you realize something. These people have a natural tendency to talk 10 decibels louder than everyone else. Not only that, but their language is downright offensive. Not only do you not under stand what they’re saying, but it just sounds… dirty. You wonder to yourself what could possibly make enduring this pain worth while. Five minutes pass by. Five minutes in which you’ve had about 7 very real urges to turn around and punch this loud mouth immigrant directly in the forehead. The kind, under paid, under qualified girl takes your order and you proceed down the line. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse…

Somewhere between the Orange and Mushroom Chicken, you make the observation that this motherfucker doesn’t even speak ENGLISH!! Not surprised, you notice that one of the girls with this overly tanned gentleman is in fact pointing at the signs and telling him what it says. Blood pressure raised, sweat beads forming, you turn to see a 5’3″ Mexican man wearing from bottom to top (in order of offensiveness) slicked back hair, gold chain necklace, blue button up shirt, turquoise belt buckle, and last – though certainly not least – snake-skin boots.

Now let me just say that having lived in Germany for a number of years, I understand living somewhere you don’t know the language. That being said, I surely had too much pride to stand their like someone lacking the necessary faculties to make my order.

I can see that one person sitting at their computer right now steaming with rage just waiting to leave a zesty little comment about how racist, naive,  and close minded I am.. most likely in addition to some other bullshit. I’m not racist. I’ve met many a Mexican that was clean, well dressed, educated, or at least holding on to some goals and ambitions. But damn! I have to question the race and Mexico as a whole when I see this display of … excellence. I don’t think America is the best country around. I’m actually quite fond of several different ones. But how can a country that borders America BE mexico? I’m not using mexico here as the country, but rather an adjective. When you think of Mexico what comes to mind? Not the damn tourist resorts, either. How can a country that borders America, that contains so many people wishing to jump the fence be so entirely shitty? Talk about a people that is not evolving.

Really though, if you’re offended it probably means you are who I’m describing. Never mind that. If you were, you couldn’t read this post past the “como” in the title. So you’re just sensitive. Sensitive and in denial. If you’re offended, I don’t even want you visiting this page – because YOU offend ME.

If you still are thinking I’m racist, I’ll offer up one last objection. I’d like to reference you to the top of the page where I had the foresight to capitalize Mexican. Did I have to go back and change it? Maybe. Was I hesitant? Bet your sweet ass.

can’t win ‘em all

… sometimes you can’t win any. Ever feel like no matter what you do you can’t quite get to where you want to be? Things are good but not great; you have enough but not as much as you’d like?

Some would say that is all a state of mind, like happiness… Fuck that. No one is happy with what they have. Not a single sane person wouldn’t say they would go back and change at least a single thing throughout their life. Oh, and those few exceptions that are genuinely 100% content with their lives? They’re the ones with something wrong in the ‘ol dome piece. They’re the minority.

As the Rolling Stones so famously said:

You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

Now I ask you, what happens when what you want is also what you need? It’s not impossible for those two things to intersect – however rarely. Would going back and changing that one thing make all the difference in the world, or would you end up in the same place down a different path?

Hindsight is 20/20, or so they say.

ugly people on tv

Should not be allowed. Period. The vast majority of actors in movies and wanna-be actors in TV shows are all above average as far as attractiveness is concerned. But every once in awhile you see some beast on a show and you can’t comprehend how they were even allowed to audition. What is worse than being disgusted while watching TV is feeling shame. I’m talking about the last show that you saw where there was a severely ugly girl on a show – and that is the roll that she was actually playing. The ugly girl is playing the ugly girl. Would you even really want to act in that scenario? “Where the script reads ‘Hideous Ugly Girl’ .. those are your lines.”

Just as bad, if not worse, is the obese ugly girl on Glee, Ashley Fink. What’s worse than her being ugly is the fact that in the show she plays a confident, sexy, ugly, obese girl. Ugly and obese do not go together with confident and sexy in the same description. It just does not happen.

The point is I watch TV to escape reality. No one wants to sit down and watch a bunch of average or less than average people. Believe it or not, there are girls who can act that are hot.

 

P.S. To the special someone who has been on me to “start posting already!” – and you know who you are.. There will be a reckoning, miss. You should be both excited and afraid for that day ;-).

 

a guy who could give a shit

I’m a little late to the party as far as Charlie Sheen’s interview by Good Morning America, but I’m officially caught up. If you haven’t seen the interview, you should definitely check it out.

Maybe you won’t feel like giving him credit, but I certainly do. The man is a spitting image of someone who just does not give a fuck what you think about him. Being a highly successful millionaire probably has something to do with that; partying with porn stars probably has another, if not equal, part in it.

I personally love the conviction he has. Calling everyone who makes excuses for themselves pussies, I would agree with him that generally changing is a choice – and some people are better equipped to make those choices. Whether he stays clean or not only time will tell, but what he said still has some real merit. Some of his answers seem a little “weird”, but really I don’t blame him in the least bit. It is interesting how the media has such a high and mighty “we’re right, you’re wrong” approach to everything. I’d be defensive too.

You’re kidding yourself if you say that you wouldn’t cut off your left testicle (or right tit) to have a chance to party with Charlie Sheen. Who knows, maybe some of that tiger blood would wear off on me.

first post

Stay tuned, folks. Once all the kinks are worked out you can bet your sweet asses there will be some highly controversial and offensive, posts coming your way!